A Dream...

My journey began around three years ago, and while the end seems nowhere on the horizon, I know I will reach my destination someday. I am writing to spread hope to all of you who are also struggling with your fertility and your dream of having a baby and also to make some friends along the way. My journey is not that unique but I will try my best to share whatever I have learnt along the way in the hope that someone will find it useful.

Growing up, I was one of those kids who always wanted to play mommy with her dolls. I was so obsessed with being a mother that I often told my mother that I will get married soon, have a baby and come back to her. Influenced by the TV series Mahabharata, I even tried medidating once to call upon Surya Dev to grant me a child like Kunti did. But scared of the consequences, I abandoned that attempt mid-way. For those of you who are not familiar with Hindu mythology, you can read more about Kunti, Madri and their marriage to Pandu on wikipedia.

I got married to my sweetheart at the age of 26 and two years later we were ready to begin making some babies. Like any first time mother-to-be, I wanted everything to be perfect. In October 2009, I got all my immunizations checked, started on my folic acid, DHA, and my multi-vitamins. Heck, I even gave up alcohol completely - not that I used to drink a lot but even the occasional glass of wine was off limits.  We tried unprotected sex for the first time in February 2010 and then over the two week wait, I read and obsessed over every small symptom to the point that my husband was worried I may be psuedo-pregnant. For the first time ever, my periods were late! Given that they generally came like clockwork, I knew in my heart that I was pregnant, but every home pregnancy test kept coming back negative.

Finally one fine morning, one of those first response tests came back with a faint positive - but that was enough to get me excited. I called by OB/GYN and she asked me to come in for a beta HCG blood test. For me all of this was just a formality at that point - in my heart and mind I was already on my way to becoming a mother. All this medical jargon was over my head - I did not even know what the beta HCG test was supposed to do. I picked up one of those pregnancy journals I had always eyed at my OB/GYN's clinic, put my name down on it and entered the first date of the faint positive and the beta HCG. However all of this was shortlived. The clinic called saying that my HCG was low (18) and that if I start bleeding I should rush to the ER.

It felt like someone had just taken their pointiest heel and danced all over my dream; shattering it into a million pieces. I tried getting in touch with another OB/GYN, who asked me to come see her first thing next morning. However, my body rejected the pregnancy and I started bleeding just a little later that evening even before I had a chance to see the other doctor.

This was the end of my first attempt at motherhood. I was devastated, did not feel like getting up, talking, eating. Even though all doctors told me it was a bio-checmical pregnancy, for me the loss was very real.

This was my first, but not the last, stop in Destination Prolificity. My husband and I have come a long way since then and I know we will definitely reach our destination someday. Thank you all for reading! If you have a first time story like mine, please do share.